a very messed up naruto fanfic
by goldenpaw
Summary: orochimaru is chokeing on his overly large tounge again, and sasuke and itachi are doing everything they can, but will it be enough to save the snake sannin? COMPLETE CRACK
1. Chapter 1

A very messed up Naruto fanfic

Authors note: this story is extremely ooc. I feature mountain dew as myself, and muffin butt is one of my close friends who helped me write this stupid story…you have to read the break times, you people who skip~!!! You have been warned, and, I don't own Naruto!!!!

'This is when they have a thought'

Bold is their inner personality

This: is when they are saying something… enjoy the fanfic.

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Orochimaru has somehow managed to get his huge tongue caught in the back of his throat, and is now suffocating on it. Itachi and Sasuke are doing what they can, but it's not enough…

Itachi: ummm, I think he needs mouth to mouth…-looks over at Sasuke-

Sasuke: don't look at me like that!

Itachi: well, someone's got to do it, and it isn't gonna be me…

Just then, kabuto walks down the hallway, whistling and holding a steaming cup of coffee in his hand…

Itachi: hmmmm…

Sasuke: I know that 'hmmm' anywhere. What's your idea this time?

Itachi: 'is he really so stupid that I have to explain it to him?

Sasuke: well?

Itachi: 'yes, yes he is…'

Sasuke: -waves his hand in front of Itachi face- hellooooo?

Itachi: huh? Oh yeah, my brilliant idea. We get kabuto to do it. 'Poor sap…'

Sasuke: horray for crazy schemes!! 'That never work'…

Itachi: 'dumb-ass…' so, how are we gonna get the poor sap in here and get him to do it?

Sasuke: -insert evil grin here- leave that up to me…

A few minutes later…

Itachi: what's with the bag?

Sasuke: well, I'm going to kidnap kabuto. Duh.

Itachi: '…okay…' what?! Are you an idiot?

Probably, so that makes you one for even thinking that question…

'Hey, you're not in this story. Butt out!!!

Sasuke: maybeeeeee… and I said kidnap, okay?

Itachi:

Sasuke: I'll be back in a little while.

A little while later…

Itachi: 'I hope he doesn't suffocate by the time Sasuke gets back…'

Orochimaru: *gasp* *gasp* -choking noises-

Itachi: 'his face is changing colors… didn't know that he was part chameleon too…

LATER…

Sasuke: I'm back!!!

Kabuto: whoever you are I'm gonna kick your-ouch!!!

Sasuke: -whacks kabuto- id like to see you try it.

Itachi: 'why didn't we just ask kabuto to do it instead of going through all of that?'

Sasuke: Because it makes the story longer and more interesting. Duh.

Itachi: I see your point…

Sasuke: and you really should stop thinking out loud. That could bring severe consequences on of these days…

Itachi: harrumph…

Orochimaru: *gasp* *gasp*

Kabuto: Sasuke? Itachi?

Sasuke and Itachi: ya?

Sasuke: oh, I almost forgot!!!

Kabuto: forgot what? And why am I tied up and blind folded? Do you really want to know the answer to that? Remember the last time you found yourself in this position? 'I don't think Itachi and Sasuke are doing that to me… and we had a good time… whatever. Just remember, I told you so.

Sasuke: well, you're tied up for our enjoyment/personal reasons, and your lover is choking to death… that's all…

Kabuto: 'personal… reasons….enjoyment?! wtf? Get me out of here!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Hey dumb-ass. Your lover is dying. And don't fret about what they said… they're just trying to scare you. 'and its working!! Pull yourself together damn it! Did you not hear them? Your love is dying!

Sasuke: do you think he died?

Itachi: depends… how tight are those ropes?

Sasuke: ummmm…….

Itachi: -slaps himself in the forehead-

Kabuto: I don't have a lover… -realization hits- OH NO MY NARU IS DYING!!!!!

Itachi: yes, yes he's choking on his overly large tongue and… wait a minute… did you just say naru?

Sasuke: 'Noooooooo!!!! Not my Naruto-kun!!! –starts to mentally cry-

Itachi: -shocked expression- wtf? Did you just say Naruto?

Kabuto: no, no I didn't!!!!

Sasuke: -still crying mentally- OH MY GOD!!

Itachi: Sasuke? What's wrong with you?

Sasuke: THE MENTAL PICTURE!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

BREAKTIME!!!!!

Mountain dew: wow… that was a good chapter, huh muffin butt? Muffin butt? Are you in there?

Muffin butt: what?

Mountain dew: -slaps herself in the forehead-

Sasuke: -walks by carrying a gallon of strawberry ice cream and a mushy chick flick-

Muffin butt: that's kind of weird…

Mountain dew: -checks the freezer- whoa. He must have some love issues… -goes around the house and check all of the other chocolate stashing places- wow. And everything else sweet… I wonder if he got… -goes to the freezer again-

Muffin butt: what's the damage?

Mountain dew: well, it's worse than I thought…

Muffin butt: how bad?

Mountain dew: he's eaten through all of the chocolate, and the vanilla…

Muffin butt: 'I don't like where this is going…'

Mountain dew: and right now he's eating through the strawberry…

Sasuke: -turns on the TV and sobs loudly-

Muffin butt: NOOO!!! Not the strawberry!!! Why?

Mountain dew: you hate strawberry.

Muffin butt: I know.

Mountain dew: oh, I get it now.

Muffin butt: get what?

Mountain dew: -another forehead slap-

Muffin butt: what?

Mountain dew: if he's eaten through all the chocolate, it means he's just sad and needs a happy ending move and some sugar, and then everything will be fine.

Muffin butt: -nods head-

Mountain dew: if he eats the vanilla, we have a minor love issue on our hands.

Muffin butt: so… what happens when he gets to the strawberry?

Mountain dew: well, from what I've experienced, he'll eat ice-cream 'till he's thirty, get really fat, start bawling for absolutely no reason what-so-ever… -voice gets higher and starts waving arms around- AND HE'LL HAVE PMS!! NEVER ENDING PMS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Muffin butt: 1. You're totally insane, aren't you? 2. Isn't he a guy? And 3. What the hell have you been drinking?

Mountain dew: yes, haven't you ever heard of a man-period? And lots of mountain dew… as my name states of course. You of all people should know that.

Muffin butt: ha. Very funny.

Mountain dew: -evil grin- yes. Yes I am.

Sasuke: -another sob-

Mountain dew: -goes over to Sasuke and puts a hand on his shoulder- why didn't you just tell Naruto that you love him?

Sasuke: I don't love Naruto…

Mountain dew: admit it Sasuke, you're in love with the Dobe.

Sasuke: -sigh- my Dobe…

Mountain dew: you're Dobe?

Sasuke: I said the Dobe…

Muffin butt: no you didn't.

Mountain dew: Sasuke, you don't have to hide from us.

Sasuke: ok. It's true; I'm in love with my Dobe….

Muffin butt: awwwww…-means to be a coo-

Mountain dew: see, now that wasn't so bad, was it?

Sasuke: how did you guys know?

Mountain dew: Sasuke, women have this sixth sense when it comes to love. We figured it out immediately.

Sasuke: should have guessed that…

Muffin butt: so why haven't you told him yet?

Sasuke: because he doesn't love me back.

Mountain dew: just tell him how you feel. It will all work out in the end. Besides, he'll never figure it out on his own anyway. He's so clueless it's sad.

Muffin butt: yes, so very sad.

Sasuke: I will just have to tell him how I feel… -hugs muffin butt and then mountain dew-

Muffin butt: go get 'em!

Mountain dew: -growls at Sasuke-

Muffin butt: -backs away- I forgot to tell you this, but she hates being hugged… you really shouldn't have done that…

Sasuke: -screams like a little girl and starts running-

Mountain dew and muffin butt: -rolling around on the floor laughing their asses off-

Mountain dew: that never gets old… hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Back to duh stories!!!!!!

Kabuto: alright, where is he?

Itachi: we meant-wait, Naruto really is your lover?

Sasuke: are you serious?

Kabuto: well… technically yes… it was a one-night-stand kind of thing… we were both drunk… wait, did you just drag me in here just to criticize my love life, or did you need something?

Itachi: like we said, your lover is dying. He's over there… -points over to Orochimaru who has now turned a deep shade of purple-

Kabuto: OROCHI!!! HANG ON AND KEEP BREATHING!!! –runs over to Orochimaru and pulls his tongue out-

Sasuke: wow…

Itachi: 'dude!! That thing is like… three feet long!!

Orochimaru: *cough* *cough*

Kabuto: orochi?

Orochimaru: kabuto? You saved my life! –hugs kabuto-

Kabuto: yes love… I…I-have something to tell you.

Orochimaru: what is it love?

Kabuto: will you promise not to be angry?

Orochimaru: kabuto honey, what is it you have to tell me?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Break time!!!!

Muffin butt: I will give you twenty bucks If it goes like this

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Orochimaru: kabuto, just tell me.

Kabuto: -eyes tear up- i-im… I'm pregnant.

-shocked gasp from the crowd-

Orochimaru: ummmmm….

Kabuto: aren't you happy?

Orochimaru: I'm gonna be a dad… -faints-

Jerry Springer: but does Orochimaru know that kabuto's baby might not be his? Find out on the next episode of JERRY SPRINGER!!!

-crowd cheers-

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Mountain dew: I'm sorry, but you were all just expecting the 'I'm pregnant' thing. I couldn't resist it. And no, I'm not doing that muffin butt!!

Muffin butt: but, it's funny…

And since when is this a jerry Springer fanfic? I mean really, he just pops out of no-where… there is no way in hell that I'm putting that in the original story plot.

Muffin butt: what about fifty?

Mountain dew: never.

Muffin butt: a hundred?

Mountain dew: no.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Story time!!!!!

Kabuto: I… I cheated on you. –starts crying softly-

Orochimaru: WHAT?! With who?

I'm so sorry!!! *sniff* I got drunk and *sniffle* he was just there!!!! But I love you with all my heart, not Naruto!! I'm sooo sorry!!!

Orochimaru: -gets out a tissue and wipes away kabuto's tears- it's alright kabuto!! Shh… is okay… -hugs kabuto- kiss me? –looks up hopefully-

Kabuto: with pleasure! –they embrace and kiss passionately-

Sasuke: uh-huh… 'okay… wtf?! Are they using tongues? -shivers-

Itachi: *sniff* so beautiful!! *sob*reminds me of you and sacra…*sniffle*

Sasuke: what? Why are you crying? And how did you know about that?

Itachi: I know a lot about you. From the color of the underwear that you're not wearing, to the huge secret you don't want anyone 'especially Naruto' to find out.

Sasuke: 'oh my god!!! How does he know about that… and sakura was a loooooong time ago…he's so…. Eh…. Creepy… -scoots over to one side-

Sakura: wow. That was so wrong, yet sweet in a slightly disturbing way… well, mission over. Naruto, let's go back to kahona. Naruto?

Naruto: 'why in hell did kabuto have to mention that? –falls over and starts to cry manly tears-

Sakura: 'what is wrong with him?'

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Break time!!!!!!

Mountain dew: YAY!! I thought that chapter was pretty funny!

Muffin butt: it's weird what we can come up with…

Sakura: so, what was wrong with Naruto?

Mountain dew: you'll find out soon enough…

Sakura: and what exactly did I do with Sasuke? –Glares at mountain dew-

Mountain dew: don't look at me! She's the one who wrote that… although it was hilarious.

Muffin butt: that part with the tongue thing was weird…

Mountain dew: FYI!!! I'm weird!! Duh.

Muffin butt: 'and insane, creepy, sick, twisted mind, wrongness… and just plain disturbed…

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A couple of hours later…

Itachi: 'wow… this is the weirdest day I've had in a long time… I just hope they don't ever find out about the Neji thing…

Sasuke: what about Neji?

Itachi: n-n-nothing! –Blushes-

Kabuto: -puts in a random movie and sits on the couch with Orochimaru-

Orochimaru: thanks kabu! A movie will be relaxing after all of that… 'And the full-body massage you promised to give me later' *wink* *wink*

Kabuto: no problem love. –Hugs Orochimaru-

Sasuke: 'I wish I could hug Naruto-kun…' –starts to mentally cry… again-

Video: -bump- -bump, bump-flap!! –Heavy panting-

Sasuke: wtf?!

Orochimaru: um…

Kabuto: what in hell…

Video: -another bang and more moans- NEJI-SAN!! AHH, HARDER!!!

Kabuto: uh… huh…

Orochimaru: -stares at the T.V. with one eye twitching-

Sasuke: WTF!! Is that… OHMYGOD!!! –Starts to puke-

Kabuto: -staring at the TV- 'that's almost worse than… -looks at Orochimaru- 'than what we did last night....'

Itachi: -blushing like crazy-

Sasuke: -continues to puke-

Orochimaru: kabuto? IT BURNS!!! MY EYES!! –Covers he's face with his hands-

Kabuto: I know it does love. I know.

Sasuke: -between puking- Itachi! –Puke- how could you? –Puke- why!?!

Itachi: I-I don't know!! I was drunk ok? DRUNK!!

Orochimaru: -holding onto kabuto for dear life- IT BURNS! OH IT BURNS!!

Naruto: -hanging from ceiling- OH. MY. GOD. That is sooo messed up!! I'm gonna barf! Arrrgh! Cant-hold-it down-so wrong! –Pukes all over everyone-

Everyone: hey! Who puked?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Break time…

Muffin butt: wow… that was some scary shit… it seems that a lot of people get drunk and/or puke a lot in this story.

Mountain dew: ya. I just noticed that.

Muffin butt: I wonder what Neji was thinking when he woke up with a terrible hang over and Itachi right beside him…

Mountain dew: well, what would you think?

Muffin butt: I'm gonna let you fill that one in… and there's '…' in almost every sentence…

Mountain dew: I've also noticed that… here it is again… STOP IT!!!

Muffin butt: 'she really is insane.' (Notice that there is only one dot here.)

Mountain dew: -eye twitches-

Muffin butt: -scoots away-

Mountain dew: -slams her hands down on the table and gets really close to muffin butt- I DO NOT. HAVE. ISSUES!!!!!!!!! –Eye twitches again for effect-

Muffin butt: uh…

Mountain dew: STOP IT WITH THE FREAKN DOTS ALREADY!!!!!

Sakura: I could have lived without seeing that.

Mountain dew: but it didn't kill you, so that's a good thing, right?

Sakura: ya, I guess so. But I think I'm more mentally corrupted than Kakashi now… -shivers-

Kakashi: hey my icha icha paradise doesn't corrupt people!!

Mountain dew: -to sakura- by the way, icha icha isn't that bad compared to this… -pulls out a graphic lemon of Sasuke and Itachi- -turns to Kakashi- so, you're saying that you're not pervy, you're not a guy, and you're name is not Hatake Kakashi?

Sakura: -reading the page- that is messed up!! –Starts to puke-

Kakashi: huh? I'm confused… you have a talent for screwing with people's heads, don't you?

Muffin but: ya, she does. I mean seriously! Look at what happened to Orochimaru after… 'Counseling'… -points over to Orochimaru and kabuto

Orochimaru: -still clutching kabuto for dear life- IT BURNS!! -Shivers-

Kakashi: uh… that's kind of weird…

Muffin butt: And Gaara… -looks over at Gaara-

Gaara: -skipping around happily in a yellow and pink jump suit- little bunny foo-foo hoping through the forest…

Kakashi: what…

Muffin butt: self-discovery exercise… And she's currently helping Iruka…

Kakashi: with what problem?

Muffin butt: well, he's in love, but he doesn't know how to tell them…

Kakashi: who is it?

Muffin butt: -shrugs shoulders- I honestly don't know. All mountain dew said was that it is one of his really close friends…

Kakashi: um… is he gonna end up like that? –Points over to Gaara-

Gaara: -playing with a little Gaara doll and a little kankuro doll-

Gaara doll: hi konkuro!

Kankuro doll: Hi Gaara!

Gaara doll: do you want to go get lunch?

Kankuro doll: sure let's go!

Kankuro: that is really scary…

Temari: you're telling me… WTF?!!!

Kankuro: uh... I did not-

Temari: just please. Stop talking. Please. –Walks away holding her hand over her mouth-

Gaara and kankuro dolls: -making out with each other-

Kakashi: ok, thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat was just really disturbing…

Muffin butt: if you think THAT'S bad, you should see what happened to Sasuke… actually, you don't want to know what happened to Sasuke…

Kakashi: kami help us all…

Mountain dew: -laughs like a sadistic maniac-

Muffin butt: alrighty then… -scoots over next to Kakashi-

Mountain dew: what? You know I'm insane… WHAT THE HELLS YOUR PROMBLEM?!!!

Muffin butt: don't worry. That's perfectly normal…

Kakashi: really? hey sakura?

Sakura: -staring at mountain dew who is going insane- what?

Kakashi: let me see that paper you were reading a minute ago.

Sakura: here you go! –Hands Kakashi the story-

Mountain dew: I don't think that he'll be able to handle that… and if he does, twenty bucks says he can't handle the Kakashi x gai story…

Muffin butt: you are so gonna lose that bet.

Mountain dew: we'll see about that… -starts laughing like a maniac again to freak sakura out-

Kakashi: -reading-

Sakura: is she okay? –Stares at mountain dew-

Muffin butt: yes, yes, that perfectly normal.

Sakura: are you serious? THAT'S –points to mountain dew who is now flapping her arms around and laughing hysterically- normal?

Muffin butt: you should see her weird days… and if you can handle them you can move on to her disturbing days…

Sakura: what after that?

Muffin butt: not many people are still sane after that… -starts laughing like a maniac-

Sakura: u… Kakashi, are you done reading yet? Kakashi?

Kakashi: -slowly lowers his arm, so that the paper is now resting in his lap, his only visible eye wide-

Muffin butt: well, he didn't puke…

Mountain dew: yet. –Pulls out the kakagai fanfic with another, more graphic lemon-

Kakashi: -absentmindedly takes the papers and starts to read-

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Orochimaru: Sasuke? –Shaky voice- Are you alright?

Sasuke: -glares at itachi- yeah, but im going to need years of theropy after that.

Kabuto: we all are…

Orochimaru: -has a flash back of the whole movie- IT BURNS MY NON-EXISTANT SOUL!!! AHHHHH!!

Kabuto: -pats Orochimaru on the back- itachi, how could you?

Itachi: -still blushing furiously- I never expected for any of you to watch that…

Naruto: oh, you should see this one that I found in kakashi's room… -puts in a dvd-

Sasuke: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! –runs over to Naruto and makes a dive in slow-mo, pinning Naruto beneth him-

Naruto: to late teme! You and sakura are going to be exposed for who you truly are, and I know what you did last summer!!

Sasuke: ?

After the movie…

Sasuke: -now blushing bright tomato red-

Itachi: wooooooow. And you said me and neji-san were wrong… THAT –points at the t.v. is some seriously messed up shit!!

Naruto: uh… 'how come I don't remember any of that? And with Sasuke, no less… wow this is embarrassing…' I thought that was the Sasuke and sakura kissing scene… sorry teme…

*in case you people didn't figure it out, it was a narusasu*

Kabuto: -now holding onto Orochimaru for dear life-

Sakura: -points back and fourth between Naruto and Sasuke- i-you-him… -faints on itachi-

Orochimaru: -passes out on kabuto-

Naruto: 'wow… I remember that now… seems like it was only yesterday…' it was yesterday, baka. 'oh go away! Im having a moment!' fine, but I will be back… -fades away-

Itachi: um… -pants get a little tight- *sakura was wearing a REALLY low-cut shirt that day*

Naruto: uh…

Sasuke: dobe?

Naruto: -turns away and looks at the floor-

Sasuke: -walks ober to Naruto- dobe, look at me.

Naruto: -a few tear drops fall and hit the sandy floor- 'shit! He knows!'

Sasuke: Naruto. –puts both hands on narutos shoulders and turns him around- Naruto, I have something to tell you. Just get on with it already! I want to see some action!! 'shut up and go away already! This is hard enough as it is without your help. You just like to make matters worse… I love you Naruto. I just have to say it. Out loud. To Naruto. I cant do this!!' yes, you can and you will. You're a Uchiha. You don't back down. Ever. He is your dobe, and you are going to tell him that, straight up. Got that?

Naruto: 'kuso kuso kuso kuso!!!! What is he doing? Doesn't he know that hes tourturing me, being this close? Hes so warm and soft… hmmm…'


	2. end!

Sasuke: you know naruto…. -kisses lightly-

Naruto: -deep blush- -yaoi smexyness ensues-

-three hours later….-

Orochimaru: -sitting next to kabuto- im glad it had a happy ending after all….

Kabuto: me too….

Muffin butt: -insane laughter- ITS ALIVE!

Kabuto: ill get the tranquilizer…

Mountain dew: -sips tea- -British accent- now now, Charles…. -hands broom and spray bottle-

-all characters hold hands and take bows-

Mountain dew: THANK YOU THANK YOU! Good night Illinois!

Muffin butt: that's all folks!

Kaiba: stick around for the sequal!

Mountain dew: where the hell did you come from?

Kaiba: -shrugs-

L: theres a ninety-three percent chance that shes going to beat him in a childrens card game later on in the sequal….

Matsuda: si senor! Es muy comico!

Light: shut up Matsuda.

Kaiba: you mean mokuba.

Light: shut up anime counterpart.

L: quiet you, or do you want me to yank on your chain again?


End file.
